


Plants vs. Euphemisms

by engmaresh



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Bontany (kinda), Cultural Linguistics (sorta), Dick Jokes, F/F, Female Friendship, Female Relationships, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-20
Updated: 2016-08-20
Packaged: 2018-08-09 23:27:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7821436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/engmaresh/pseuds/engmaresh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's late, and Uhura's got a rendezvous with an Orion and a dick.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Plants vs. Euphemisms

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lah_mrh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lah_mrh/gifts).



According to Gaila 'that Plant's' dinner time is at 2300 hours this cycle, and Uhura manages to catch her just as she's synthesizing a plate of raw meat in the lab's clinical replicator. She's usually off duty at this time, but two days ago both lab assistants fell afoul of a Nibian Nightshade's defense spores and McCoy has yet to release them from his clutches.

"Hey," she says, smiling when she sees Uhura approach. "You're right on time."

"I've decided to finally meet 'that Plant'," says Uhura as she takes a hairnet from the supply closet and tucks her ponytail into it. "Figured it would be good to scope out the competition."

Gaila, who already has her own hair similarly tucked away and is dressed in a heavy duty apron along with thick elbow-length gloves and goggles, laughs. "Well, he does have some things you don't have. Those sexy spikes. That sensual green colour. Those long--"

"Oh gross, Gaila," she cries out, covering her eyes, though that hardly blocks the metal image she's just envisioned. "Just-- stop, please."

Gaila laughs even harder as she gestures at the apron and goggles Uhura has to put on too.

Once she's fully dressed, they tromp towards the greenhouse. They step into the airlock and the door unseals with a hiss when Gaila keys in her code. Uhura feels the difference immediately the moment she follows Gaila into the greenhouse. The air is hotter, dryer and heavier but still breathable. Her skin prickles under the increased pressure. Ahead, Gaila strides forward with her covered dish of meat, either used to the environment or completely unaffected.

This greenhouse isn't very large, due to the small amount of plants that require this specific atmosphere and pressure. Hydrophonic troughs line both sides of the wall and in each of them is a plant of medium size - like houseplant sized. Though not all are from the same planet or even star system, all are to some extent cactus-like, and carry spikes or prickles or thorns. All have been tested extensively for potential reactions or side effects caused by interspecies cohabitation, and well, it seems they are getting along fine so far, unlike that time the Venemous Tentacula in Greenhouse 13 apparently took offense to its neighbours and wrecked every other plant it shared the space with. It's sort of fascinating, especially when Gaila explains it. Sort of how when Uhura and her team discover similar patterns in syntax and speech on planets light years away from each other.

Gaila heads towards a plant at the very end of the left row, and okay, now Uhura gets why 'that Plant' is so notorious among the Enterprise botanists.

The problem with 'that Plant' is that he-- it, looks like a penis. Or like a cluster of arm-length green penises with spikes that run down the length of it. In the center of the cluster is a mouth filled with rows of spikey teeth. All in all, 'that Plant' is a nightmare, and probably the universe's idea of a joke.

A joke on humans specifically, and Uhura wonders, not for the first time, if her species is the only one (besides Vulcans) that has evolved with sexual hang-ups because Gaila seems to think nothing of petting one of the dicks on its spiky head.

"Uhura, meet Dick. Dick, Uhura."

"Oh Gaila, you didn't."

"I saw the opportunity and I seized it. Don't mind Uhura, Dick," Gaila tells the plant, giving it a wink. "She's suffering from human sensibilities. I'm still trying to train her out of them."

Dick's mouth-thing loudly gnaws the air and Uhura feels relieved for the presence of Gaila's long, protective gloves. Those teeth could bite a finger right off.

"Patience," Gaila says fondly to the plant as she drops a cube of raw meat into its mouth. It chews up the meat in record time and greedily gnaws the air again. Uhura winces. She's probably imagining it, but it does look like the plant is about to leap right out of its trough and bite off the Orion's hand.

"Should you really tease it that way?" she asks when Gaila holds a piece of meat tantalizingly over its mouth. The penis-frond-things almost seem to sway in agitation.

"Nah, it's good exercise," says Gaila, and right on cue, a bunch of thin greenish-purple tentacles slither from its mouth and snatch the meat from her fingers.

"Oh, stars above, that is so creepy."

"You sound like Hong. They feed it using one of those extending claw grabby things."

"Why do we even have it?" Uhura asks as Gaila continues to feed the plant piece by piece.

"Well, it was a gift from the Klatoonian king. And according to the medical research team, there are some enzymes in its sap that can help stimulate tissue repair."

"Science."

"Yep," says Gaila cheerfully. "For science! A good reason."

"Who even named it Dick?"

"I did. 'Cause you're such a dick sometimes, aren't you?" she coos, dropping another chunk of meat into its maw.

"Gaila, when I explained Earth euphemisms to you, I didn't think you'd use that knowledge for-" Uhura gestures at the plant.

"But isn't that the motto of this crew and its good captain? 'Misuse the knowledge you've gained?'"

Uhura snorts in amusement. "I don't see myself winning this argument anytime soon. As long as Dick doesn't mind - "

"He's a plant, he doesn't care. I was going to call him Richard, but Hong totally didn't get that."

Gaila hadn't got it quite at first either. Uhura remembers that discussion. 

_"So it's common for humans to have genitalia euphemism names?"_

_"No, not really. Unless they're unlucky enough that it may mean that in another language. The Chinese dialects can be a bit tricky with all those homonyms. But not usually, no."_

_"So... Rick is also a euphemism?"_

_"Nope. Rick is fine."_

_"Arggh!" yells Gaila, pounding her fists on her pillow. "You humans! You have such weird hang-ups about sex and yet your sex stuff and euphemisms are everywhere! Can't you make up your minds?"_

The rest of the feeding goes by quickly and soon Dick's chomping down on its last cube of meat. Gaila meanwhile has started to gently palpitate down the length of each of Dick pe -- oh god, Uhura's a linguist, she should have a better word for that, branch, frond, bulb -- looking for possible rot or something.

"You know, your face could get stuck that way."

"Huh?"

"Did I say that right?" asks Gaila, giving Dick's last frond-thing a pat. "Your face could get stuck that way. You were making a," she pulls an exaggerated grimace, "kind of face."

Dick, or whatever makes a farting noise which could be a laugh or maybe an actual fart, Uhura doesn't really want to know. Especially when it means there's a possibility it can understand what they are saying.

"Ugh, you just brought me here to show me your evil poison plants and make terrible dick jokes," Uhura grumbles.

Gaila flashes her a brilliant smile as she passes her. "It makes you all scowly and haughty. It's kinda hot."

Uhura's not quite sure what to say to that.

They troop back out the airlock and Uhura can't help the slight slump of relief when two solid doors cycle shut behind her. She makes a note to ask Jim to jettison Dick out the nearest airlock once sufficient enzymes have been harvested or synthesised. She's pretty sure he'd be 100% behind the suggestion.

Completely unconcerned by the nightmare she'd been feeding, Gaila has started stripping off her protective garments. Static from her hairnet and the greenhouse's dry air made her hair a fiery halo around her head. "So, what do you think of the competition?"

"Competition, tch," says Uhura, stripping off her goggles and dumping them in the sterilisation bin. "That plant is a nightmare."

Gaila laughs. "I'm not going to lie, I felt the same way at first. He takes some getting used to."

Uhura pulls the hairnet off and shakes her hair free. "Y'know, when you said 'date night' this wasn't really what I had in mind, but it was, uh--."

"Fun? Terrifying? I'll never see you down here again, will I? I guess low-key work-date night would have been a better description," says Gaila, carefully folding away her protective gear and putting her gloves away to be sterilised. "And don't worry, it's not even over yet! Replicator 4a has been programmed for mint chocolate chip ice cream for the next two weeks. How about we get some?"

"Sounds perfect."

The cafeteria is mostly empty, so they manage to snag a booth by the windows. Uhura curls up against the window, and Gaila snuggles in next to her.

"I promise there'll be no dick for our next date," she tells Uhura as she mushes her ice cream into slurry. Uhura prefers to eat hers properly, frozen and by the spoonful like a normal sentient being.

"Sounds like the best date."

"It will be the best date," Gaila says happily. "Let's apply for shore leave. Do you know where we're headed next?"

"Captain say we'll be getting new coordinates from Starfleet tomorrow."

"Hmmm." Gaila thoughtfully licks her spoon. "That usually means a planetary visit. I hope they have beaches. Let's go to a beach. That's what I miss most about your California. All those beaches."

Uhura leans back into Gaila's shoulder and nuzzles against her neck. Her hair smells faintly of the greenhouse; ozone and earth. "The beach sounds nice. But please, remind me to make sure the captain doesn't get any more weird plant gifts from planetary leaders." 

**Author's Note:**

> I really didn't intend this to be all about phallic plants named Dick, but Gaila got really intrigued about human penis euphemisms and stuff so this happened.  
> I know Gaila's unusually written as an engineer/tech, but hmmm why not space botany?


End file.
